#002 - (Nerf) interviewed by M. Pickett.
** Notes: Recruit has been stationed with Medic #03-OTH-B “Fred Dominguez” after sustaining a significant head injury. Half their face is drooping to reveal their skull. How is he still alive?
P: “So. You must be Nerf, huh?”
N: “Yep!”
P: “Nerf like... as in ‘Nerf or Nothing’?”
N: “I guess so!”
P: “Huh. And that’s your actual like... legal name.”
N: “Well it’s the only name I have, silly.”
P: “I mean. I can’t argue with that. I’m Miss Pickett, it’s nice to meet you. How are you feeling with the whole... uh...”
N: “The whole being dead thing?”
P: “No no, you’re not dead.”
As far as we are aware.
P: “I meant your head. How’d that even happen?”
N: “Oh uh... I dunno. I think it cracked when we fell onto that beach. I didn’t know there was one under us this whole time. But thank goodness I’m not dead.”
“Under us” brings up too many questions to ask right now.
P: “Have you tried to close it up?”
N: “That Fred guy tried to, but it just opened back up again eventually! Plus, it was really annoying whenever I needed to scratch an itch in my skull.”
P: “Huh.”
Nerf swings their legs and looks around absentmindedly.
P: “Right, um. I just gotta ask you a few questions to make sure you’re right for the job and all.”
N: “...Job?”
P: “Uh, yeah. Shit, did I forget to tell you? I’m sorry, I thought one of the other two would have told yo-.”
N: “Oh, yeah yeah! Ester mentioned it. Told me something about making sure I don’t fuck up the interview... that’s this now, right? But yeah, I remember.”
P: ”Well, I don’t know how much he told you, but you’d basically be mercenaries for us.”
N: “Ahhh. Alright! So that’s why you’re asking me questions.”
P: “Yes- speaking of which: what’s your age and date of birth?”
N: “Uhhhhhhhhh...”
It takes approximately one and a half minutes for Nerf to answer. The entire time they are struggling to count on their fingers.
N: “July 7th. And I’m 20!”
P: “Dang, you guys are young. What are your pronouns?”
N: “he/him, they/them, and ne/ner!”
P: “Knee/Ner? I’ve never heard of those before. How do you use them?”
N: “Like... ‘Ne went to the park with ner friends. That bottle is neirs. Ne got it for nerfself.’ Aren’t they cool? I just learned about neopronouns from... uh. Fuck, what was their name? I just saw them.”
P: “That’s alright, I got it. I’ll add that as a note on your file. You’re not the first mercenary here to use neopronouns. What are your strengths and weaknesses?”
N: “I’m cool! I’m pretty strong, if I do say so myself!”
Nerf flexes. Their build seems average.
N: “But as for weaknesses... I get distracted pretty easy. And I can be pretty loud. And sometimes I’m a little annoying.”
P: “That’s okay, I’m sure you’ll do great- I appreciate the enthusiasm.”
N: “Daw shucks... you don’t gotta say that!”
P: “Uhm, next up- How do you work under pressure?”
N: “I’m great under pressure! Like a pressure cooker! You can rely on me anytime Miss!”
Nerf salutes. It feels nice to be respected like that.
P: “ Do you prefer working independently or in a team?”
N: “Team! It’s nice to feel useful.”
P: “Can’t argue with that. How comfortable are you with blood? I mean, considering your... head injury I’d assume you’re pretty okay with it?”
N: “I mean, it’s kinda gross sometimes? But I don’t faint when I see it or anything.”
P: “That’s good. If you knew that someone would return perfectly fine afterwards, how comfortable would you be with fatally wounding them?”
N: “Like I’m pretending to kill them?”
P: “...More like they respawn as if they were in a video game.”
N: “Oh. Sure!”
P: “Perfect. If you knew that you would return perfectly fine afterwards, would you be willing to be fatally wounded while working at MannCo?”
N: “Woah, I get to respawn too?!”
P: “I assume that’s a yes. Are you willing to undergo somewhat frequent medical procedures to ensure you’re fit for work?”
N: “Yeah! Ester’s a doctor- I’m best friends with him, so I know the ropes of all that stuff.”
P: “Good to know. We’ve determined you’d be best fitted as a Soldier at MannCo. You’d be eliminating the enemy team with a rocket launcher and uhh... that’s really the main thing, but you also get a shovel. Do you think that would be a good fit for you?”
N: (gasp) “CAN I BRING BACK ROCKET JUMPING? I’ve always been a little peeved that we just use stairs now.”
P: “Yes- in fact it is encouraged.”
N: “HELL YEAH!”
P: “Haha, alright Nerf, that’s pretty much all I needed from you. It was wonderful talking to you. Anything you’d like to ask me?”
N: “Uhhh...“
Nerf looks around in thought.
N: “Are there other soldiers?”
P: “As in like... other people who are also in the Soldier class? Yeah, but so far you’d be the only soldier on your team.”
N: “Do we have a cool team name?”
P: “I... am I allowed to tell you that? I think I’m allowed to tell you the team name. You guys would be assigned to team BLU-N, AKA Team Nitrile.”
N: “Oooh, what does Nitrile mean?”
P: “It’s the stuff those medical rubber gloves are made of. Honestly I just looked around and chose the first thing I saw.”
N: “Cool! Can I go back to the room now? I wanna tell Fred about all this.”
P: “Sure. Daffodil should be waiting outside for you, actually.”
N: “Daffodil! That was their name! I can’t believe I forgot it earlier.”
TRANSCRIPT END